waiting for mi familia
Topic: mexico
i'm at the universidad right now waiting for my host family to pick me up. bridgit, elizabeth, trish, and heidi all left about 45 minutes ago.

i'm getting nervous to meet them.

hola
Topic: mexico
?hola! me llamo vard, y soy alcoholico.

hi friends. i hope you don?t mind but you all are going to be my
meeting right now. i?m in mexico city right now and i?ll be travelling
to cuernavaca this afternoon, where i?ll be spending the next month.
it was quite a day yesterday travelling--just me and my higher power.
this is such a new experience for me--which means it?s both exciting
and a bit scary--but so far i?m doing very well.

i was thinking back on other experiences i?ve had with going to new
places and fear. the first one i thought of was when i was 17, i had
just gotten my first car and decided to drive down to moab for a couple
of days. i?d been there before, but never by myself. i got everything
together i needed, but ended up chickening out because i was afraid to
do it on my own. i spent a number of years after that with fear
directing my life like this. there were many things that i didn?t do
because i was too afraid to take any chances.

the next experience was when i was about a year sober. i was asked to
go to new mexico to run a martial arts tournament. it was a great
opportunity for me, but i remember that i had more fear than
excitement. the morning my flight left, i was full of fear. i sat in
the airport waiting for my plane to leave, calling friends i had made
in the program. with the support of friends i had made in the program,
i had the strength to get on the plane and perform my job.

this time was again quite different than the last. so far i have been
able to get on the plane, arrive in a foreign country where i don?t
speak the language, go through immigration and customs, and find my way
to my hotel all because of my faith in a higher power and that i will
be taken care of. it makes me emotional just writing about it right
now. i am just so grateful.

i haven?t been able to get to a meeting yet, and i?m not sure when i
will. i?ll be listening to a speaker cd on the bus ride to cuernavaca
today. i also have a chip hanging off my backpack and a necklace with
the circle/triangle, so maybe i?ll get the attention of another
alcoholic at some point.

well, i hope you all are doing well. i love you all and hope to hear
from you soon.

-vard

dos mas dias
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: kenny loggins danger zone
i've got tons of shit to do today. i want to try to get everything done today so i can relax tomorrow before i leave.

i think lily can tell i'm leaving. i keep telling her i love her and she's a good dog and that i'm not abandoning her and i'll be back for her, but i think it's hard for her to understand.

ok, i need to get shakin'.

tres mas dias
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: the sound of rain coming in through my open windows
only 3 days until i leave for mexico! i've been spending the morning getting my things in order, and i'm really pumped up about it.

i'm also experiencing waves of gratitude and joy thinking about it. i'll just all of a sudden be filled with it and get emotional and thankful and almost well up with tears. it's pretty fucking wild!

men hugging 11
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: prince
Topic: change projects
there's been a breakthrough with the 'men hugging project'!

pat (mi hermano joven) was at hoppers the other night hanging out with some friends. james denton from 'desperate housewives' was also there. pat and his friends ended up hanging out with james at hoppers, then going out after to play some pool. when the night was over, he shook james' hand goodbye, then the girls he was with all said they wanted hugs from him. pat said 'wait a minute, i want a hug, too!' they all thought it was weird, but then he explained my 'men hugging project' and they thought it was a good idea. he gave james a hug, and now james will hopefully take this experience back to hollywood with him.

wow! from me to pat to james to hollywood! incredible.

martin luther king animation
here is the text of this animation honoring martin luther king:

A true revolution of values will lay hands on the world order and say of war: "This way of settling differences is not just." This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love. A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.

And don't let anybody make you think God chose America as his divine messianic force to be--a sort of policeman of the whole world. God has a way of standing before the nations with judgement and it seems I can hear God saying to America: "You are too arrogant, and if you don't change your ways, I will rise up and break the backbone of your power, and I will place it in the hands of a nation that doesn't even know my name."

I call on Washington today. I call on every man and woman of good will all over America today. I call on the young men of America who must make a choice today, to take a stand on this issue. Tomorrow may be too late! The book may close...

And I don't know about you, I ain't goin' to study war no more.

memorial day night 2
Now Playing: still paul simon
ok, i updated some photos here.

lily is trying to get a treat out of the middle of a tennis ball.

memorial day night
Now Playing: paul simon
i've spent way too much time online the past 2 days. so what do i do...get back online. i should be doing something else more productive. i decided since i'm sitting here i might as well write.

oh, i scanned in a couple of new pics. i think i'll add them to the blog.

Now Playing: king cole trio
Topic: haiku
i have to go out--
walk the dog. my sunburn hides
that i've been crying.

animals
Mood:  mischievious
i just read an article on MSNBC about an investigation of tyson foods by PETA. PETA has a video of the tyson plant on their website...it's very hard to watch.

i've been wondering if i was going to eat meat in mexico--to 'fully experience the culture.' after seeing their website again, i don't think i will.

i never heard back from the pope.

update/long time
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: johnny cash--unearthed
wow, i haven't posted for a while.

i just added some new links--PETA, GoVeg, Utah Issues, Boing!, NCCJ.

i leave for mexico in 2 weeks. i'm excited, but also a bit nervous. it's scary to think i'm going to have to get around in another country (without speaking spanish) for a month. but exciting.

i've had problems with my plumbing the past couple of days. mostly everything is under control now. there is still some stuff i need to take care of.

i went camping for a week with pat and aric and lily. it was great to get out of town, and hard to come back to civilization. lily loved it. it made me start thinking again about moving out of slc.

5th step
Topic: me and sara
i did a 4th step this weekend surrounding the relationship.

i did a 5th step today with my sponsor.

i'm not resentful anymore.

i have a lot of compassion and sympathy for her now.

i am feeling at peace.

wow.

men hugging 10
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: green day
Topic: change projects
it was the last day of school today, and i ended up hugging 5 different guys! 4 of which were new men.

first was raphael. he's known about this project, but this was the first time he participated.

next was kim. i saw him in the lounge and he returned a book i let him borrow. he shook my hand before i left, and i said what about a hug instead? he walked away, but came back a few minutes later and leaned over and gave me a hug while i was sitting down.

the next 3 were dean, yorokee, and bruce. naomi wanted me to talk about my paper in class, and mara asked about the men hugging project. we had a great discussion about touch and hugging (i learned a new technique from breeze). we were all hugging each other as class was over. it was pretty cool.

so, at the end of the first year, i hugged a total of 8 different guys at school (10 if you count my practicum). that is an amazing total! i only had 2 at the end of the first semester which meant i was only on track to have 8 for the whole two years of the program.

hi
hi pope benedict!

i just wanted to send you a message wishing you well and the best of
luck. i could also use some 'good vibes' sent my way--a prayer would
be nice.

well, i hope you're doing well!

-vard



http://www.utahissues.org/
http://vardm.tripod.com/

men hugging 9
Topic: change projects
today was my last day at my practicum. i of course gave a few of the women hugs, but i a couple of men also gave them to me.

with bill, it was kind of funny, and a little unexpected for me. i just offered to shake his hand, but he said 'what about me? hugs are a good thing.' so we hugged. paul also gave me a big hug, which i sort of expected from him.

i guess male social workers are an easy group to get hugs from. this whole project will be a lot harder to put into place in the general public

men hugging 8
Topic: change projects
today was a another successful day. in my hbse class, when dean arrived and sat down, i said hi to him and then walked over and gave him a hug. he's been the person most open to this whole project.

at the end of class, jason came over while i was talking to breeze, and commented on dean and i hugging. he did say "it was one of those manly pat on the back hugs, though." i said he was right, and then we hugged each other.

anger
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: seu jorge
i've been having more anger than usual the past few days. here's what i think is causing it:

-i've been mad at lily because she hasn't been listening to me or following commands very well when she's off leash.

-i was a bit annoyed at sara that i am the one who has to discipline and train lily now. i kind of feel like i'm stuck with the kid.

-i've been getting mad at my dad a lot lately. it seems like he's bringing out the worst in me. i think what i'm annoyed at in him are the parts of me that i don't like about myself.

-i've been listening to eminem the past 3 days and i think when i do that i am angrier.

-i'm still having a lot of anger and hurt feelings from the breakup that i think are comming up, often in other ways.

withdrawal
Mood:  cool
Topic: being mental
well, i took the last of my lexapro one week ago (last saturday). i had tapered myself off of it by taking half a dose for about a month and a half. i did this because i was running out and i couldn't afford to buy any more and wanted to make it last for as long as i could.

it's been a pretty good week and i'm feeling pretty good. even though i'm still in the middle of splitting up with sara (and school and other stuff) i feel that i'm handling it quite well emotionally.

one thing i have noticed is that my head has felt wierd. that might sound funny but i have no other way to describe it. i guess it kind of feels like when your sick and you're kind of loopy in your head and also feel kind of out of touch with your body, too. it's a kind of dizzyness if i move too fast (especially my head). my sleep pattern has changed, also. i've been waking up pretty early (also with the help of lily) and can feel that something is different. i just read about some of the common withdrawal effects of lexapro, and they sound similar to what i'm experiencing.

i've been doing a lot of other things to take care of myself--meditating, meetings, talking to a lot of people, exercising--and like i said, i think i'm doing pretty well. i wasn't even thinking about having to deal with these withdrawal effects, though. i've been walking lily a lot and it seems like walking and exercise does the most for reducing them. i read the same from other people, too.

back to class
Now Playing: the shins
i'm just hanging out here at home tonight. i ordered a pizza. sent some e-mail. ate a couple of cookies. played the game boy. listened to some music. looked at some assignments for school. played with lily. lifted some weights. i think that's about all.

today was the first day back to class after spring break. i am totally looking forward to this semester ending. i found out today that i was accepted to go to mexico this summer for school! i'm also planning on a train trip back east sometime in may.

i'm kind of stressed about some stuff that happened at the neighborhood house yesterday, but can't talk about it here.

i'm excited about hbse tomorrow...my death dying and beareavement instructor shirley is going to be our guest speaker. she was an awesome teacher and i learned so much in that class. it was one of the best i've ever had.